This week, we are still talking about self-preservation in academia. (Yen: When are we not talking about self-preservation?!)
I listened to Ezra Klein’s New York Times podcast interview with Tressie McMillan Cottom, Professor of Sociology at North Carolina, Chapel Hill and co-host of her own podcast “Hear to Slay.” The name of the podcast itself makes me swoon. So, imagine the feels listening to this brilliant scholar open up about her experience in the academe.
During the interview, Prof. Cottom said, “As a black woman, I know that my success is always limited by how well other people can imagine the possibility of me.”
This statement went straight to the heart of me. I wasn’t sure what to think. I felt on the one hand dejected and on the other hand reaffirmed. To hear the MacArthur Fellow and bestselling author of the book Thick speak about living in a constant state of precarity incited new fears about existing in spaces where you always need permission. But, to hear Prof. Cottom speak so honestly and passionately encouraged me to hope that with more voices like hers rising in academic spaces there will be a day we no longer ask for permission.
I have no doubt that other BIPOC in the academe share this sentiment. Prof. Cottom did not have to specify who the “other people” are. The gatekeepers of academic institutions are visible in many shades and forms. They can be your feminist allies, your #BLM and #StopAsianHate Facebook posters, your good-intentions faculty or administrator. Our (and I hope you will permit me this monolithic statement) successes are dependent on their approval, which can be taken away at any given moment if the white patriarchal and hierarchical foundations feel exposed. The rules keep changing all the time. So, BIPOC cannot risk being threats for fear of jeopardizing our tenuous hold. But can we afford not to be? But, how many of us quit each year because we just can’t go on… how many of us are asking why are we here... and how did we get here?
Why am I here? How did I get here? I don’t know how many times I’ve asked myself these questions in the last few days, weeks, months. When I go back to the beginning, one thing is abundantly clear amidst the fears, tears, and screams… and it is that I gave up my voice. At the time I thought that I was being professional and grateful (of course we must always be grateful for earning our place). But what I really did was give up my choice. I didn’t say the things that made me uncomfortable. And consequently, I didn’t say the things that would hold them accountable.
I don’t believe in regrets; I believe in lessons. My lesson is learning to ask questions and not being afraid of the answers or the consequences.
So, I started practicing in front of the mirror (in my most professional outfit and voice, Ah!), “what are your expectations? what do you want in exchange?” These questions will not stop the unfairness, but at least they might save me a world of headache and debt in the future. Then again, this is academia; you never know what new rules they will come up with next!
Your turn. Go ahead... What is the one question you want to ask?
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