The first rule of 2022, and I think you will join me in this, is not to talk about 2021 or whatever that was that came before that I can barely remember but struggle to forget.
The second rule of 2022, and I hope you will enjoy what comes out of it, is write it in a blog.
2021 was a damn hard year. (Deep breath…) It was hard in ways and for many reasons that I still can’t explain and maybe because of that it will remain a year outside the natural order of things. It was a year of extreme highs and profound lows that ended with a blessing in disguise (maybe TBC…). So, on that note, I’m going to start at the end, December, and make my way around back to beginning, January.
In December, my schedule was suddenly packed with stuff to do. I was happy for the work that kept me busy from thinking about the depression that was kicking my ass. I learned a lot about myself in that time. I learned that I could present my work and do it well, not because I was a trailblazer, but because it is work that mattered. The work I do matters! I have never been interested in the spotlight of first. I’ve only ever wanted to do work that is important alongside my sister scholars (shout out to Yen!). However, doing this work well comes with a hefty price tag. I found myself negotiating with my own thoughts about why I keep going in spite of… negotiating away sleep, calm, wellbeing, for insomnia, panics, and no food, water, exercise.
(High: work | Low: holidays alone)
In November, I prepared my first very own course. I was so proud; it’s the first thing that I did for which I didn’t need anyone’s approbation. I suppose you can say the only ones whose opinions matter are the students. I’ll have to wait to find out May 2022!
(High: meeting application deadline | Low: the waiting, questioning to hear back)
In October, does anyone remember what happened? Oh, right. I compartmentalized that month away. I received news that my 30 something year old cousin died in a hit and run. I flew to NYC to be with family, got to hang out with Yen at Columbia and a few other places, met up with an old flame, tried to spark a new kindle (with a little wine; 5 glasses to be precise), flew back to MN where I’ve been methodically avoiding social life. I left my house for the faculty dinner where the best conversation I had there was with someone’s kid about Marvel.
(High: guest lectured | Low: article rejection; my first encounter with reviewer 2)
In September, I got another year older and did battle with depression. The thought of having come so far and still not know where I belonged held me down as I struggled to smile and find the right words.
(High: mending bridges | Low: shutting the door)
In August, I found myself constantly looking around and asking where am I.
(High: first month in a new city | Low: first month in the twin cities alone)
In July, I moved to the Twin Cities. I gave myself permission to dream again… I fixed my apartment, took daily walks with my bff Nathaniel, and planned to get back to doing what I love… (plan failed; see above).
(High: my furniture didn’t break (mostly) in the truck during the 17-hour drive | Low: I left the people I know on the East coast)
In June, I took a bit of respite from my troubles and taught a hybrid writing course.
(High: going back into the classroom | Low: going to Cornell campus for the last time)
In May, I closed the book on graduate school. It was an anticlimactic ending.
(High: I finished my degree | Low: getting sick after going to graduation and sitting out in the rain)
In April, March, February… I survived
(High: waking up in the morning and going to bed at night | Low: what happened in between)
In January, I found out that my stepdad died on the very same day I found out I got this postdoc… that day emotions came crashing in on me from on high and down below, and every which way.
2021 roundup; 2022 startup!!
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